“It was very lonely being a partner in pregnancy after a loss. I felt like there was very little space for me to grieve.
I tried so hard to be strong at home with my wife because she was clearly so devastated and saddened by the event. And I was so very aware that she had to deal with all of the physical pain and loss whereas I had none of that, so felt like I had to be the strong one.
But I also felt like no-one expected me to be affected by it which was disorientating. Everyone passed their condolences on to my wife and would ask continually how she was doing, whereas nobody asked how I was. I found that so strange and it made me feel really invisible.
Of course I understand that only one of you experiences the miscarriage but it is a loss for both of you , isn’t it? A loss of your hopes and dreams. And, also, I was struggling to be the emotional support for my wife; I needed some extra support too whereas family and friends didn’t seem to recognise that – maybe I just did too good a job of putting a brave face on!
I vividly remember thinking how difficult it must be for men in the same situation, as men are often less likely to seek emotional support from friends/family and are already often marginalised by pregnancy, to then have this loss which they have no opportunity to discuss must be so tough.
In the end I just got by, I think I mentioned how I was feeling to a friend and we talked it through. There was no epiphany moment for me to get over it, just the passage of time and a later successful pregnancy attempt; but it was definitely a very lonely and isolating time.”
