After a heartbreaking missed miscarriage in September 2017 at 8 weeks, I fell pregnant again in March 2018. It had been a long, hard journey for us as we struggled with fertility due to my polycystic ovaries. I was prescribed Clomiphene citrate by the fertility clinic in Newcastle and this worked for me on round 2. I was very anxious when I got that positive test – feeling like ‘here we go again’ and the joy and magic of pregnancy had been taken from me when I’d had my previous loss. I treated myself at the end of every week of the first trimester – an attempt to get me through each week and celebrate what, to me, was a huge achievement. At the 12 week scan I was so nervous – I told the sonographer not to show me the screen until she could verify all was well. There were tears, nerves and fear, but she turned the screen and showed me my baby, the right size for gestation and with a beating heart. We both cried with joy at seeing our baby’s heartbeat.

I thought I’d immediately feel better after the 12 week scan, but the nerves did linger. Week by week went by though and, except for at scans, I found myself being able to relax a little more the further along I got. I did pregnancy yoga and opened myself up to things like a baby shower – I was still scared, but also celebrating the here and now feeling of ‘I am pregnant now.’

Our baby Willow was born November 4th 2018 – the best day of our lives. The end of an anxious journey. The rainbow at the end of a storm. She is now 16 months old and causing lots of mischief! I never thought this would happen and I am so grateful and thankful every day.

I know reading positive stories is not for everyone. I found them bitter sweet they are reassuring but also heartbreaking.

I had 6 miscarriages before my rainbow came along. They were all before 12 weeks but we’re between 6 and 11 weeks. I had most of the tests that the NHS offer all came back and the diagnosis of unexplained recurrent miscarriages. We had tried progesterone with also ended in a miscarriage. Our last miscarriage was November 2018.

We decided to stop trying a concentrate on turning out bungalow into a chalet. I threw everything out all ovulating strips pregnancy tests. Roll on to February and I was really tired and just felt off. With a lot of hesitation I took a test, 2 dark lines straight away. In my head I thought oh here we go again because of my history I had an early scan the week after I found out I was 9 weeks pregnant I then had scans every two weeks.

I’m now about to celebrate my little girls first birthday a day I’d never imagined I’d get to. Please don’t give up hope.

Sitting here feeding my 6 week old baby Robyn with my 3 year old Charlie playing next to me, my content feelings are completely the opposite of the heartbreak I felt this time last year, as in March 2019 I suffered my third missed miscarriage.

My first came at 11 weeks in January 2016 and I have to admit that although I was upset it was ok to recover from. We had not planned to get pregnant at that stage and we had our wedding and honeymoon two months later and we were delighted when we fell pregnant again soon after.

My rainbow baby Charlie was born on 6th January 2017 following a wonderful pregnancy. I had seen my first miscarriage as just unlucky, a one-off, it was sad but it probably wouldn’t happen again as everyone kept telling me.

Things became more difficult after this. We decided we wanted our children close together and started trying again when Charlie was only 10 months old. The months rolled by and each month saw negative pregnancy tests and the arrival of my period. I convinced myself I had secondary infertility and that I would never be pregnant again. It took 9 months, which may not sound like a lot (and I know other couples try for a lot longer) but it was an obsession for me and the days rolled by so slowly as we tried to conceive again. The happiness I felt when I finally had a positive pregnancy test was indescribable. I didn’t even consider I would lose another pregnancy though I felt so much was hanging on this baby as we’d waited a long time to be pregnant. As the pregnancy progressed my lack of symptoms worried me. My first pregnancy was symptomless and so was this one, so the nerves and doubt began to creep in. A scan at 8 weeks however showed a healthy pregnancy with a heartbeat flickering away. When I saw the dreaded blood at 12 weeks I knew it was bad news and it turned out my baby had died at 9.5 weeks. I was devastated as this baby was so wanted. Fortunately I was pregnant again within a couple of months but I found this pregnancy far more filled with anxiety as I had now had more losses than healthy pregnancies. I didn’t get any early scans this time as it had given me false hope last time. A few symptoms were reassuring me that things would be ok this time, I was hooked on reading successful stories about pregnancy after loss and tried telling myself this one would be ok- it was only fair. However a bleed at 10 weeks meant I was back to hospital and a scan showed this baby had stopped developing at 5.5 weeks. My third missed miscarriage.

This time I was plunged into a world where I didn’t recognise myself. I became hateful and jealous of anyone else who was pregnant- even my close friends. I had thoughts I don’t even want to admit to. Pregnancy announcements made me bitter and envious and I avoided my favourite toddler groups as there were other pregnant women there who I just couldn’t be around. My husband and I would spend our evenings not talking and just staring at our phones. To make things worse I tried medical management but it failed and it took 5 long weeks of bleeding and hospital visits (where I felt surrounded by other pregnant women excitedly carrying around their own healthy scan photos), and ended with me having an infection and needing surgery to finally lose the pregnancy. When I returned to work I cried multiple times every day. As a teacher, standing up in front of a class of 32 rowdy teenagers when your heart is broken and your self confidence is in tatters is no easy feat.

So I exercised, took dance classes, joined slimming world, learned to cook, played music with my husband and began pregnancy loss counselling to just try to get me to feel more positive but I was drowning in an overwhelming feeling of constant sadness and injustice. So many unanswered question- why was this happening again and again to me? Due to ‘only’ having 2 miscarriages in a row it wouldn’t be investigated and was just brushed off as ‘one of those things’. Being pregnant again was all I could think of but I didn’t think it would happen while I was so distraught.

Luckily I fell pregnant again a few months later, but this time after the initial relief of seeing a positive pregnancy test there were the terrifying questions. What if I lose this one? Would my mental health survive another loss? Would my marriage be ok? The whole of my first trimester was clouded with worry. A small bleed at 6 weeks had me convinced that it was all over- blood had only ever meant miscarriage for me. But all was ok. I had early scans at 6, 8 and 10 weeks and the nerves beforehand made me feel sick. By my dating scan I was starting to feel slightly more reassured, though sitting in the waiting room I could have easily screamed seeing all those pregnant bellies and knowing what it was like to see bad news on the screen. But all, again, was ok. This time I was feeling nauseous and tired from 5 weeks pregnant which I never felt with the pregnancies I lost so that gave me hope, but all through my pregnancy there was a horrible voice telling me I wasn’t going to end up with a healthy baby. After so much loss it’s hard to believe everything is going to be ok.

It was during this pregnancy I took the opportunity to join Willow’s Rainbow Box as secretary and having something so positive to work on really helped my anxiety, meeting other people who had been through the same and working on the resources to put in the boxes. I have used some of the positive affirmations and relaxation techniques myself and it certainly helped.

The pregnancy went really well. Towards the end my anxiety crept up again when there was protein in my urine and they were unsure of whether my baby was growing ok, but I felt well looked after at my visits to the MAU. My baby’s birth didn’t exactly go to plan- I had been hoping for a VBAC but a bleed and the baby’s heartrate dropping during labour meant I had to be rushed to theatre and put under general anaesthetic for an emergency C-section. I remember lying there with my eyes fixated on the heart rate monitor as my oxygen mask was fitted and thinking ‘this is it- I’m not going to end up with a live baby’ but next thing I knew I was awake and there was my husband holding our beautiful healthy baby girl Robyn. All had been absolutely fine and she was perfect.

Women who try again to get pregnant after loss are so brave. For me, the only thing more scary than trying again was not trying again. But it takes so much courage. My advice to anyone pregnant after loss is just to take one day at a time. And know that just because they’ve lost before, each pregnancy is new and there is no reason that anything should go wrong again. As a friend said to me once, positive thoughts are the only ones worth having, and although this is far easier said than done it really is true. For anyone pregnant again after loss, remember any feelings you have (both positive or negative) are valid and important and it really helps to talk about them. You will certainly not be alone in how you feel and I hope as a charity we are able to help through this precious, wonderful but inevitably anxious time.